Category: Nyc

fmlh

2/27/2013

want to know what the 'h' stands for? hard. fuck my life, hard.

don't worry. there won't be any nsfw photos in this entry to illustrate that point. because i'm on a loaner computer that i can't save anything to. not even a screenshot. how exactly am i supposed to do work? i had to email a pdf from my work account to my personal account just to view it. i'm not even gonna TRY to print anything.

so, that's one of the reasons the fmlh — computer woes. apparently, my hard drive is wonky. and i could have him back maybe today. maybe tomorrow. maybe have to order me a new one.

and this loaner? it's trackpad doesn't even work. so if i ever take it somewhere, i have to drag along an external mouse. but why would i take it anywhere when the only thing i can do on it is email? basically, i can do more with my phone than this computer.

why else fmlh? i'm sick. i'm coming down with a cold. and i've been fighting it tooth and nail since day one. (i'm not sure why a cold would be afraid of teeth and claws, but it's an expression none-the-less.) and it seems that the harder i fight it, the longer i stay in this "almost-sick" place. maybe i should just let it happen.

but the weather's not helping. it's cold. and rainy. and i forgot my umbrella. and no cabs are ever available in the rain. (well, until you're a block away from home and a cabby actually pulls over and asks if you need a ride even though your arm isn't out.)

and we're busy. "work towards this meeting that we'll cancel," and all that.

i dunno, there's a lot to complain about. it's february and i feel like that's a blue month. like an indigo, dark blue. not like a spring day blue. i can't wait for a spring day blue kind of month.

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just because i ryan ...

2/25/2013

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so yeah. this was more fun than ideating on that high-impact print i'm supposed to be doing.

of course, i also used paying my bills to procrastinate. and doing an impossible image search. and started by state tax return(s).

so the bar was set pretty low. and luckily it's lunch time. so i can procrastinate on that print ideation a little longer. score.

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if someone could please tell me why craigslist be hatin'

2/23/2013

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so. remember the saga of the two guys looking for wedding dates on craigslist? well, my friends andrea and alexa posted a response to craigslist: two women need two men needing wedding dates - w4m - 236 (nyc - saratoga). i thought that was pretty cute. but if you clicked on the link you'll see that craigslist removed it.

if they can figure out why, they'll repost. any ideas? is it the pot leaves? the mentions of being craigslist killers? or the cussing? take a look:

click on the ones below if you actually want to read it. it's a pretty funny read. especially if you've read the guy's.

these are the photos:

seriously, let them know what you think it is: 2girlsonedate@gmail.com

you never know, your suggestion could get them some chicken cordon bleu and watered-down open bar drinks!

:{ schnoogins.

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incompetence. or: why i almost didn't get to vote.

11/6/2012

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before you go to your polling place, be informed. i almost didn't get to vote today. but i'd come MORE than prepared. it's a sixth sense really, i know when some fucktard is going to give me beef.

plus, a bird shit on my coat while i stood in line. so i had luck on my side.

here's the story: i arrived at the line snaking around the corner of my polling venue , the gay and lesbian center at 208 w 13th st, at about 5 after 9am. i didn't have a meeting until 11:15, so i figured i was safe. i'd bail if it got to be 11 and i hadn't voted yet — or just call-in to the meeting from the line so i wouldn't have to make a second trip to the polling center.

we were a jovial bunch, making friends and talking anything but politics. (although, one guy DID tell me who he was voting for. i told him that votes are like birthday wishes and you shouldn't share them lest they don't come true. sadly, he was betting on my horse. so i was glad when the bird poop landed on him too.) because, really, this thing is almost over. to quote facebook: "today is the day we can stop listening to THEM and they have to listen to US." it's time to stop talking about it, stop fighting over it, stop alienating each other. it's time to shut the fuck up and vote already.

so, we got up near the doors and they started separating us by "e.d." numbers. i giggled until i realized they meant "election district" and not "erectile dysfunction." once your e.d. number is called, you walk to a rickety table and are separated by the first letter of your last name — A-D here, L-N there and so on. it's such a confusing room.

i handed the guy my ... this thing:

not really sure what you call this thing, but on the other side it says, "this package contains voter information and your new voter card. please read it carefully and call your local board of elections if you find an error or have any questions."

and it all seemed in order.

obviously, my address and political affiliation aren't blurred out on the original. i did that because that shit's my business and not yours.

but, i've voted in north carolina. i've voted in texas. i've never voted in the state of new york.

so i figured i'd look to see if i needed any sort of id other than my whatever-that-thing-is.

according to many websites, like this one and this one, it couldn't hurt to bring a photo id and current utility bill.

just so you don't have to go to the sites, here's what one said: "acceptable forms of identification include: a driver's license or department of motor vehicles non-driver photo ID card or other current and valid photo identification; a copy of a current utility bill, bank statement, government check, paycheck, or other government document that shows the name and address of the voter."

so, i tendered my current north carolina state driver's license when i got to the A-D guy at the e.d. 083 table. he'd asked me for identification. and he told me i couldn't vote. not even with my whatever-that-thing-is.

so i showed him my current utility bill listing my name at my address. still no vote. i showed him my lease. still no vote. i showed him my passport. still no vote. i showed him my paystub. still no vote.

i was about to get snippy. i explained to him that i'd looked online and these were all acceptable forms of identification.

just then a fight broke out behind me as what seemed to be a head volunteer lost her cool with another volunteer who just seemed to be helping someone. she spat out, "that's what cuomo gets for such dumbassed decisions."

i think she was upset about his decision to allow sandy-displaced new yorkers to vote at any polling venue. perhaps the gay and lesbian center wouldn't be so mobbed without that move. nor the building for the blind on 23rd st that boasted over an hour long wait. i don't really know. but i think it's better than jersey's decision to take email and fax votes.

but the people in line behind me got upset with my holdup and got impatient. they spouted loudly about my right to vote and all i needed was my whatever-that-thing-is to vote in the state of new york. i think they just wanted to get away from the uncomfortable scene that was taking place in the middle of the room over cuomo's decision.

(luckily) they were loud enough to alert another volunteer who came over and informed him that all i needed to vote was that whatever-that-thing-is and my signature. so he looked up my name, took my signature and handed me my ballot. and i voted.

but can you imagine if i'd come unprepared? and how many people had he turned away before i'd gotten there? when i first arrived, he was manning the e.d. 083 table alone. it was only when the line got too unmanageable that they split it up alphabetically. so he was flying solo without anyone to hear who he was turning away. and i wonder if he was selective. my political leanings are clearly printed on that whatever-that-thing-is.

plus, i'm kinda disturbed that all i needed was my whatever-that-thing-is and my signature. the signature is to check against the one they have on file for me. but i signed in a box right next to it, so anyone could have done a reasonable approximation of my scribble. i could have been anyone, really. and i almost didn't get to vote despite my myriad forms of identification.

also? THIS is the "i voted" sticker i got:

the guy in front of me (who remained bird poopless) turned around and said, "what am i supposed to do with this?"

i agree. my vote is not a joke. so why is my voting experience capitalized on by comedy central?

don't get me wrong, i like to laugh as much as the next guy/gal. and i enjoy the irony and wit that the channel bring to their "news" coverage. even their election coverage. but Rock The Vote they are not. and i don't' even get the "insane" reference. i feel jipped.

i feel jipped because this is the "i voted" sticker i'm used to. the one i'm proud to wear on my sweater or stick on my notebook. the one i want to post a photo of to facebook like all the rest of you.

it says "i exercised my right to vote. the one people died for and die for and will continue to die for for a long time. i had my say in my government and my future. and i did the most patriotic thing i could do today. i fucking voted."

that little sticker takes this seriously and keeps it classy. like i have in every single election since i was 18 in the clinton/dole showdown of 1996.

i've voted in primaries. i've voted in "off years." i've voted when there's no one to vote for but every thing to vote for ('embarrassment one', anyone?) i've stood in line as sick as a dog, vomiting into a trashcan to vote. and i stood in that line (in the rain) for hours. i know what a 'dangling chad' is, and waited on baited breath for that controversy to be resolved. i've gladly done my jury duty as payback for my vote. i even dressed up with my ex-boyfriend one halloween as the possible vice presidents. (see? i can be lighthearted about it.)

joe biden and sarah palin

what i'm saying is, this means something to me.

and i feel jipped. jipped by a sticker. and miffed. miffed at that one guy who impeded my right to vote for the briefest of moments today.

so, do me a favor? if you haven't yet, get out there and vote. please.

you can't complain about the victor if you don't. :{| mustachioed man is very stern on this point.

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by the power of grayskull

11/5/2012

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i think i might have overused the #fuckyousandy hashtag. but it was warranted, i think.

because in one week, i went from this:

:to living less than a block from this ...

... to day after day of this:

and finally? this:

i promise i'm going to tell you all about it. but right now i'm trying to find a grocery store that has everything i need to finally make that black steak chimichurri that's been requested on "shit i'm making TONIGHT." i already pinned the recipes. and i already know how i'm going to alter them. i just have to find the ingredients. fresh direct can get them to me by wednesday and d'agastino's shelves are pretty bare. ballalalalalas.

thanks to all of you who emailed, facebooked, called, texted and checked in. also, special thanks to jwt for letting me charge up there.

:{D happy movember, btw. i TOLD you you'd thank me for the mustachioed man!

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sometimes you have to fail to win

10/18/2012

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i'm still not going to tell you my secret that's not my secret. but, i have some fun adventures in fail-to-win cooking to share with you. and you're just going to have to deal with that.

i decided that i wanted to make sour cream and onion potato chips. not just that i want to thin slice potatoes and either bake them or fry them. i wanted to make LAY'S SOUR CREAM AND ONION POTATO CHIPS.

and i started out with a big win. before i tell you about it, i'd like to point out that i KNOW this isn't how lay's does it. i KNOW lay's has a concentrated yummy powder they put on potato chips. that i could probably just put powdered sour cream and onion dip on homemade potato chips and call it a day. but, i'd seen a recipe where someone tried something similar to what i did with fake mashed potatoes. so i figured this was worth a try. (plus i'd been drinking, as seen at left.)

"lay's sour cream and onion" mashed potatoes

you'll need:
2 irish baking potatoes
chicken stock
6 cloves garlic
2 tbsp fresh chopped chives
1/2 cup sour cream
2 tsp onion powder
salt and pepper to taste

what you'll do:
peel your potatoes. i know there's this trick that everyone has seen online where you boil the potato, put it in ice cold water for five minutes, and then twist the peel right off. but i peel first, because i boil cubes.

cut your potatoes into cubes.

throw them into a large pot full of chicken stock with your garlic cloves and bring to a boil. boil gently for 10-15 minutes — until a cube falls off a fork when stuck.

strain, reserving your stock for future use. mash the potatoes and garlic together. add the sour cream, chives and onion powder with some salt and pepper.

i promise it tastes like a freaking potato chip.

so, the idea was to bake thin layers of mashed potatoes on parchment paper.

ok, so that was dumb. i ended up with thin burned layers of mashed potatoes on parchment paper. my next thought was to invest in a food dehydrator. then i remembered my kitchen-space and monetary situations. then, my next thought was caviar.

yeah. i went from potato chips to caviar. it makes total sense.

i kept thinking about those little pancakes that come with caviar. and how a lot of people like their caviar with sour cream.

so, i walked around new york for about an hour in search of a can of caviar that i could afford but should also taste good. west village market: go.

rachel's not so pretty potato pancakes for caviar consumption

you'll need:
leftover lay's sour cream and onion mashed potatoes
an egg
leftover creamy lemon chive dressing
grated cheese (i used my leftover fontina)
caviar
parchment paper

what you'll do:

1) leftover mashed potatoes, i used half this amount

3) finely grate your cheese

5) put smallish clumps on parchment paper on a cookie sheet

7) flatten with another cookie sheet. bake the whole thing at 250 degrees for 15-120 minutes. yes, with both cookie sheets. flip your patties and repeat the baking.

no, they're not pretty. but they're seriously good and indulgent.

i'm pretty proud of my fail that led to a win.

*all shitty photos taken with my iphone. you'll be glad to know that i've since upgraded to the 5. so you can look forward to blazing purple hotspots in future episodes.

2) whisk your egg with your leftover dressing

4) mix it all together

6) cover with another layer of parchment paper

8) pair with chilled caviar over ice and sour cream.

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if you were stranded on an island and could only take one celine dion album ...

10/2/2012

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... how would you kill yourself?

hahahaha. what a great way to start a discussion about kitchen islands. :[| fu manchu mustachioed man does not approve of my joke. he really likes celine. and "titanic" is his favorite movie.

but no, i need your opinion. you know my kitchen? well, if you don't — this is it:

clearly, i've unpacked some stuff. so it looks like someone lives there now.

what i need is a kitchen island. because i have no counter space.

but i'm trying to pick one. that's where YOU come in.

that cabinet/sink area is 32.5" long. i'm thinking my island should match about that size.

why? so it doesn't sit in front of the fridge as to where i can't open it. or in front of the bathroom (the door is just barely out of the left side of the picture.) as to where i can't go into it.

i also think it should be on wheels. so if it gets in the way i can move it.

i also think it should have a collapsable flap for dining at while seated on barstools.

i have a front-runner in mind, but i'm not going to tell you which one it is.

which one would you choose?

this one's from crate and barrel. they have a delivery service, which is nice.

44.25"w by 20.5"/30.5"d by 36.5"h

$499

this one's from overstock.com. no delivery service, so i'd have to schlep it up the stairs myself. but it's on sale today. so i could always pull that $40 ups trick i did with the air conditioner. (where for just $40 a guy carried all 68 pounds of it from my nearest ups and up my stairs FOR me.)

43"w by 19"/28"d by 36.5"h

$215

this one's from safaviehome.com. there's a safavie home store in my neighborhood. i wonder if i bought it there if they deliver?

31.9"w by ?"/31.9"d by 32.7"h

$395, including stools

target.com this time. so same delivery conundrum.

this one also has an unfinished top so i'd have to seal it with something, possibly mineral oil.

32"w by ?"/32"d by 36"h

$249.99

this one, from jcpenney.com is the most interesting looking one. it's actually a steam-trunk bar with flip out flaps on the sides.

apparently, it's REALLY hard to put together.

and it has the same delivery problems of some of the others.

30"/60"w by 19"d by 41"h

$600

homedepot.com makes an appearance. which has the same delivery question as safavie home — since there's one in my neighborhood.

cool trash bin function in the back. no flip out.

38"w by 20"d by 34"h

$539

have you ever heard of ekitchenislands.com? me neither. but i like the trashcan cabinet. although there's no flip ledge. i'm assuming i'd have to figure out delivery.

35"w by 17.5"d by 35"h

$229.95

last one, from the same place as the above. it also doesn't have the flip out ledge for barstools. but it comes with that marble inset.

43"w by 17.71"w by 35.83"h

$360.99

so, what say you? which one do YOU want to see in the background of all my cooking posts?

and, yes, you can find more on pinterest.

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shit i'm making TONIGHT

10/2/2012

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so, how does it work? i pin the shit i'm making TONIGHT and then i make it. maybe according to directions, maybe not. i'm that kind of cook. then the next day i update my pin description as to how it went, what i did differently and (most importantly) how it tastes.

then i blog the recipes, always naming my source, of course.

last night in my counterless small-space nyc kitchen? lemon-parsely beef brisket from marksdailyapple and creamy lemon-chive zucchini noodles from martha stewart. i really wanted matching flavor profiles for my main and side. and i don't know if i can express how well these flavors went together. the two were a little soupy on the plate and they just melded beautifully together in this wonderfully yummy happy accident. it could be the wine drunk during the 3 hour cooking time talking, but i was in heaven.

somehow without any butter in the dishes at all, there was this overall butteriness to my plate. it's like the acidity of the lemons reacted with the meat and the cream to break down their flavors and bring out their inner-butter.

plus. if you're in the dairy phase of your diet, the whole thing is totally paleo.

what kind of wine goes with this meal, do you ask? well, not having made these recipes before, i was kind of winging it. so i went with an old standby: cab sauv.

now, knowing what i know, i'd go more peppery. i think a zinfandel could really complement the lemon-buttery flavor i experienced. or, if there were such thing as a peppery white wine ... maybe a gruner veltliner?

the meal is really rich. you don't want a "meaty" wine to distract you from the flavors. and the absence of root vegetables make the beef taste differently from there other things you've shoved in the oven for hours on end.

it was a nice surprise.

did i do anything differently than the recipe called for? not really. i added pepper to both.

but my first instinct was to sauté the zucchini noodles in their dressing and some butter. i'm really glad i didn't, so i could experience them as intended. i was a little skeptical. but they were SO good as is. maybe i'll try cooking them tonight when i try my leftovers.

ok, enough preamble. let's do this.

lemon-parsley brisket

you'll need:
a 3 lb brisket
6 cloves garlic
2-4 pinches sea salt
freshly ground black pepper
the zest of a lemon
olive oil
the juice of 3 lemons
3 cups water
3 large leeks
a handful finely chopped parsley
an oven friendly pan with lid (or aluminum foil)

what you'll do:
bring your brisket to room temperature — yes, this step is important. and preheat your oven to 325 degrees.

while you do that wash your leeks and cut off the dark green parts. slice them down the middle, i actually quartered mine, and slice thinly. set aside.

it's time to juice and zest your lemons. a couple tips:

before you cut open a lemon for juicing, roll it with pressure, using the palm and heel of your hand on a flat surface until it feels softer.

there are all kinds of fancy lemon juice strainers out there. i just use my hand.

i squeeze the lemon into it and let my fingers filter out the seeds. i imagine that's the way my grandma would do it ...

you just don't want to have a paper cut or a hangnail.

lemon zest can seem to take forever. but remember to scrape the back of your grater to get the stage 5 clingers left there. lemon zest is pretty sticky.

next, finely chop your garlic cloves. what you want to do is make a paste out of the garlic. i'm assuming you could use a food processor to do this. but, there's no room for a food processor in my new yourk kitchen. so i followed the advice of the recipe.

i sprinkled the garlic with a large pinch of sea salt. (luckily, i was working on the section of my cutting board that i'd used to slice and zest my lemons. so the paste got all juicy and nice.) then you "crush" the garlic with the flat of your knife. really grind it down, using both hands. i chopped a little as i went. it really did end up as a paste. (please be careful.)

once you have your paste, mix it with the lemon zest, another large pinch of sea salt and some pepper. (i used a lot of pepper.) and rub about half of it all over your meat.

wash your hands and heat some olive oil, about 5 good splashes, in your oven safe pan over medium-high heat. how do you know if your pan is oven safe? i found a handy video.

luckily, my lid had a sticker on it that declared it not oven safe. so, the pan did fine with aluminum foil on top. i'd kinda assume your glass lid isn't oven safe unless it specifically says. there ARE some made out of pyrex that are oven safe.

seared

anyway, sear your brisket on either side and remove the meat.

add your lemon juice and water to the pot and bring it to a boil. if there's any meat or garlic-zest stuck to the bottom, unstick it.

rub the rest of your garlic zest on your meat and put it back in the pan and place the leeks around it — not on top, cover with aluminum foil and throw it in the oven.

i did 2 hours and 45 minutes, then threw my parsley in and cooked for 15 more minutes, uncovered.

it worked out really well if i DO say so myself. i added salt and pepper and hunkered down to eat.

this was amazing. but i hear it will be even better tonight. we shall see.

halfway through cooking, i was dying of hunger. so i have a plate of the cold zucchini. and that's what made me decide not to cook it, it was THAT good.

creamy lemon-chive zucchini "noodles"

what you'll need:
the juice of one lemon
sea salt
1 cup light cream
a handful minced chives
2 medium zucchini
a veggie peeler
a small jar or lidded container

what you'll do:
first, you make the dressing. i hate recipes that tell you you'll need 1/4 cup creamy-lemon-chive-dressing and then send you off to another place to find that. so, we're going to start there here.

in your lidded container, combine the lemon juice and a large pinch of sea salt. shake it like a polaroid picture, or until the salt is dissolved.

add the cream and chives and shake again. in fact, shake it every time you use it. season it with salt. it'll last in your fridge up to a week. (but you'll want to eat it all up before then, i guarantee you.)

martha's recipe called for a julienne blade on a mandoline. fuck you, martha. not all of us have the kitchen storage of a media mogul. she even called for fleur de sel. fuck you someplace fairly uncomfortable, martha. regular sea salt did me fine.

so i peeled the zucchini and cut off the ends. then i used the exact same peeler to peel off ribbons. stop when you hit seeds. do this all around the zucchini and then throw the seedy middle away. who wants a seedy middle?

you're supposed to put it in a colander over a mixing bowl and sprinkle with salt. letting it sit for 15 minutes. then you're supposed to gently squeeze the zucchini to extract excess water. damn wine, i forgot.

so i just threw some on a plate, dressed it and ate it. i didn't notice it being excessively watery. so, again, take that martha.

you know what else wasn't very watery?

sassy detox water (found here)

you'll need:
a lemon, sliced
a peeled cucumber, sliced
a tsp grated fresh ginger
about 10 fresh mint leaves
a quart and a half of water
a 2 quart pitcher

what you'll do:
throw it all in the pitcher and let it sit overnight.

it's supposed to taste great, even as a substitute for soda or coffee. it's supposed to give you energy. it's supposed to make you feel great. it's supposed to jumpstart your metabolism. it's supposed to help you lose weight.

i had to MAKE myself drink it this morning. it was so gross. it's no soda or coffee, trust me. i don't have any more energy. i don't feel any better — or worse, to be fair. my metabolism seems to be metabolizing at a regular rate. and i haven't miraculously shed any pounds.

in fact, i kind of feel like a slugged down a laxative with a fiber-spiked cup of decaf coffee. in short, gross.

i guess that just proves that not all things you see on pinterest are worth pinning. which is exactly why you should follow my board.

what am i having tonight, you wonder? probably leftovers. i've been thinking about them all day. i might have to try a different wine, though. oh, and i have no microwave. so i'll have to get all old-skool on the reheat.

i'll let you know if the brisket is truly better the next day.

what do you want me to try next? i have a "things are getting paleo up in here" board and a "great, now i'm hungry" board to choose from. because i'm not paleo. i just date one. or, suggest a pin you've always wanted to try. i pretty much eat anything. except babies, so no lamb or veal.

happy pinning!

*all shitty photos taken with my about to be replaced iphone 3GS.

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the rain in new yourk falls mainly ...

9/28/2012

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the rain in new yourk falls mainly on your pants.

my walk to work this morning involved rain boots, a rain jacket and an umbrella. i guess i'll just have to get rain pants. or a forcefield.

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what a difference a day makes

9/15/2012

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the apartment is trucking right along. i unpacked the bedroom today.

i hired a handyman to come on thursday. the ac and cable guys come tuesday. i ordered a piece of the same sectional i have, so my couch will be longer but not chaisey.

and i moved the buffet so that i'd have room for an island.

i even hung shit on the wall, removed the closet doors and hung curtains in their place — hinging them together to make a screen out of them.

i DID have a couple snafus, though.

i dream of hanging shoe racks as curtains on one of the windows. so i went to home depot for a stud finder, knowing it would weigh a lot. they sent me home instead with butterfly clips. (i think they were butterfly clips. three 1/2 holes drilled later, and it didn't work.

i also bought bed risers for under bed storage. the legs of my bed are too wide for them. so i tried to cut a groove with a utility knife. yeah, no, they're going back tomorrow.

the handyman is going to have his work cut out for him ;{

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<<Previous

fmlh

just because i ryan ...

if someone could please tell me why craigslist be hatin'

incompetence. or: why i almost didn't get to vote.

by the power of grayskull

sometimes you have to fail to win

if you were stranded on an island and could only take one celine dion album ...

shit i'm making TONIGHT

the rain in new yourk falls mainly ...

what a difference a day makes

Rachel

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