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not gonna lie

11/30/2012

i won't lie to you. this won't be an interesting post. i just haven't blogged in awhile. so i'm gonna give you a petey video.

see, petey yells at me every morning. he wants treats. he wants pets. he wants to be picked up. petey fucking WANTS. so i decided to talk to him about it. and to be honest, the people i've made watch the video laugh. mostly at me. and now you can join in.

for more videos of my cats, because you KNOW i'm gonna be one of those moms with a wallet full of photos, you can go to youtube. yes, i youtubed my cat videos. judge me all you want, i'm freaking bored up in here.

petey plays hide and seek
cece has one trick
and i filmed it twice
petey yelling in the morning

:{D <enjoy!)

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why we should all be THE john

11/19/2012

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i was writing a manifesto the other day for a pitch. it didn't really go anywhere. but whatever. it was all about being "the guy." not "you know, the guy who sits in the corner," or "the guy who always wears plaid," or even "the guy who never talks." just the guy.

and i had a thought: we all do it — we label our friends. especially the johns. because there are so damn many of them. look at your facebook friends. that's a lot of johns, right?

some we call by their last names. some we're all "you know, melissa's john." some we label by how we know them: "john from work" or some characteristic of theirs like "john with the hipster glasses."

but what you really, REALLY want to be if your name is john is THE john.

the one who's automatically implied at the first mention of john. the one everyone thinks you're talking about when you forget to say their label. "oooooh, you mean desert john. because i was gonna say, john doesn't have a camel farm."

because between john doe, john jacob jingleheimer schmidt and every famous john (for a taste, see left), it's easy to get your johns mixed up.

tall john. short john. drunk john. sucks to be you. because you're not THE john.

am i picking on johns? maybe. but i'm not really trying to. i have uncles john. i have friends john. hell, i spend time in the john every day.

it's not really about the name. i'm using it to make a point. i could have done it with "matt." since i date one, toddy is engaged to one and theresa is married to one. we all had to qualify "my matt" when talking about our matts.

what i'm really trying to get across is that we can all learn a lot from THE john. about being exceptional and standing out in a like crowd.

plus, i kinda wanted to make a potty joke. and it was pretty fun googling "john" and seeing what came up. (see last image.)

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the sexiest man alive?

11/14/2012

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according to people magazine, the sexiest man alive right now is channing tatum. really? i feel like i've blogged about him before. oh, wait, i have! i said he looked dumb. there's even a mattism about him. but, sexiest man alive? you be the judge. (if you click on that, please note it's NSFW.)

it's a sweet dumb. like someone who got hit in the head as a child and was just never right after that. someone you'd shake your head and say, "that poor thing" about.

i bet this girl never knew she'd be memed for this photo.

in this photo, i imagine mcconaughey is marveling over the purported size of ... a subway sandwich.

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why i hate people who poop in public restrooms.

11/13/2012

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a) they always do it right before i get there so that when i walk out people think i'm the culprit
b) i don't have the balls to do it myself
c) i'm jealous of their balls

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incompetence. or: why i almost didn't get to vote.

11/6/2012

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before you go to your polling place, be informed. i almost didn't get to vote today. but i'd come MORE than prepared. it's a sixth sense really, i know when some fucktard is going to give me beef.

plus, a bird shit on my coat while i stood in line. so i had luck on my side.

here's the story: i arrived at the line snaking around the corner of my polling venue , the gay and lesbian center at 208 w 13th st, at about 5 after 9am. i didn't have a meeting until 11:15, so i figured i was safe. i'd bail if it got to be 11 and i hadn't voted yet — or just call-in to the meeting from the line so i wouldn't have to make a second trip to the polling center.

we were a jovial bunch, making friends and talking anything but politics. (although, one guy DID tell me who he was voting for. i told him that votes are like birthday wishes and you shouldn't share them lest they don't come true. sadly, he was betting on my horse. so i was glad when the bird poop landed on him too.) because, really, this thing is almost over. to quote facebook: "today is the day we can stop listening to THEM and they have to listen to US." it's time to stop talking about it, stop fighting over it, stop alienating each other. it's time to shut the fuck up and vote already.

so, we got up near the doors and they started separating us by "e.d." numbers. i giggled until i realized they meant "election district" and not "erectile dysfunction." once your e.d. number is called, you walk to a rickety table and are separated by the first letter of your last name — A-D here, L-N there and so on. it's such a confusing room.

i handed the guy my ... this thing:

not really sure what you call this thing, but on the other side it says, "this package contains voter information and your new voter card. please read it carefully and call your local board of elections if you find an error or have any questions."

and it all seemed in order.

obviously, my address and political affiliation aren't blurred out on the original. i did that because that shit's my business and not yours.

but, i've voted in north carolina. i've voted in texas. i've never voted in the state of new york.

so i figured i'd look to see if i needed any sort of id other than my whatever-that-thing-is.

according to many websites, like this one and this one, it couldn't hurt to bring a photo id and current utility bill.

just so you don't have to go to the sites, here's what one said: "acceptable forms of identification include: a driver's license or department of motor vehicles non-driver photo ID card or other current and valid photo identification; a copy of a current utility bill, bank statement, government check, paycheck, or other government document that shows the name and address of the voter."

so, i tendered my current north carolina state driver's license when i got to the A-D guy at the e.d. 083 table. he'd asked me for identification. and he told me i couldn't vote. not even with my whatever-that-thing-is.

so i showed him my current utility bill listing my name at my address. still no vote. i showed him my lease. still no vote. i showed him my passport. still no vote. i showed him my paystub. still no vote.

i was about to get snippy. i explained to him that i'd looked online and these were all acceptable forms of identification.

just then a fight broke out behind me as what seemed to be a head volunteer lost her cool with another volunteer who just seemed to be helping someone. she spat out, "that's what cuomo gets for such dumbassed decisions."

i think she was upset about his decision to allow sandy-displaced new yorkers to vote at any polling venue. perhaps the gay and lesbian center wouldn't be so mobbed without that move. nor the building for the blind on 23rd st that boasted over an hour long wait. i don't really know. but i think it's better than jersey's decision to take email and fax votes.

but the people in line behind me got upset with my holdup and got impatient. they spouted loudly about my right to vote and all i needed was my whatever-that-thing-is to vote in the state of new york. i think they just wanted to get away from the uncomfortable scene that was taking place in the middle of the room over cuomo's decision.

(luckily) they were loud enough to alert another volunteer who came over and informed him that all i needed to vote was that whatever-that-thing-is and my signature. so he looked up my name, took my signature and handed me my ballot. and i voted.

but can you imagine if i'd come unprepared? and how many people had he turned away before i'd gotten there? when i first arrived, he was manning the e.d. 083 table alone. it was only when the line got too unmanageable that they split it up alphabetically. so he was flying solo without anyone to hear who he was turning away. and i wonder if he was selective. my political leanings are clearly printed on that whatever-that-thing-is.

plus, i'm kinda disturbed that all i needed was my whatever-that-thing-is and my signature. the signature is to check against the one they have on file for me. but i signed in a box right next to it, so anyone could have done a reasonable approximation of my scribble. i could have been anyone, really. and i almost didn't get to vote despite my myriad forms of identification.

also? THIS is the "i voted" sticker i got:

the guy in front of me (who remained bird poopless) turned around and said, "what am i supposed to do with this?"

i agree. my vote is not a joke. so why is my voting experience capitalized on by comedy central?

don't get me wrong, i like to laugh as much as the next guy/gal. and i enjoy the irony and wit that the channel bring to their "news" coverage. even their election coverage. but Rock The Vote they are not. and i don't' even get the "insane" reference. i feel jipped.

i feel jipped because this is the "i voted" sticker i'm used to. the one i'm proud to wear on my sweater or stick on my notebook. the one i want to post a photo of to facebook like all the rest of you.

it says "i exercised my right to vote. the one people died for and die for and will continue to die for for a long time. i had my say in my government and my future. and i did the most patriotic thing i could do today. i fucking voted."

that little sticker takes this seriously and keeps it classy. like i have in every single election since i was 18 in the clinton/dole showdown of 1996.

i've voted in primaries. i've voted in "off years." i've voted when there's no one to vote for but every thing to vote for ('embarrassment one', anyone?) i've stood in line as sick as a dog, vomiting into a trashcan to vote. and i stood in that line (in the rain) for hours. i know what a 'dangling chad' is, and waited on baited breath for that controversy to be resolved. i've gladly done my jury duty as payback for my vote. i even dressed up with my ex-boyfriend one halloween as the possible vice presidents. (see? i can be lighthearted about it.)

joe biden and sarah palin

what i'm saying is, this means something to me.

and i feel jipped. jipped by a sticker. and miffed. miffed at that one guy who impeded my right to vote for the briefest of moments today.

so, do me a favor? if you haven't yet, get out there and vote. please.

you can't complain about the victor if you don't. :{| mustachioed man is very stern on this point.

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by the power of grayskull

11/5/2012

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i think i might have overused the #fuckyousandy hashtag. but it was warranted, i think.

because in one week, i went from this:

:to living less than a block from this ...

... to day after day of this:

and finally? this:

i promise i'm going to tell you all about it. but right now i'm trying to find a grocery store that has everything i need to finally make that black steak chimichurri that's been requested on "shit i'm making TONIGHT." i already pinned the recipes. and i already know how i'm going to alter them. i just have to find the ingredients. fresh direct can get them to me by wednesday and d'agastino's shelves are pretty bare. ballalalalalas.

thanks to all of you who emailed, facebooked, called, texted and checked in. also, special thanks to jwt for letting me charge up there.

:{D happy movember, btw. i TOLD you you'd thank me for the mustachioed man!

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not gonna lie

why we should all be THE john

the sexiest man alive?

why i hate people who poop in public restrooms.

incompetence. or: why i almost didn't get to vote.

by the power of grayskull

Rachel

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