i was going to do a one-off celebrity blog post on why every woman hates emma stone. then i realized that's not fair. so i'm amending my idea. it's now why every woman either wants to BE emma stone or wants to kill her. yeah, i know. i went from hate to kill. seems harsher, right? only if you're emma stone. which none of us are. or, it'll seem harsh if emma stone DOES, in fact, wind up murdered and the FEDs read this post. well, FEDs. i have an alibi — even though you haven't told me yet when she was killed. (if you've ever seen an episode of castle, bones, law and order, svu, csi, or any other crimady (crime-drama-comedy) you'll get it. the bad guy ALWAYS has an alibi if he's caught early in the episode. even if beckett, booth, or whoever hasn't even told them when they need one for.)

ANYhoo. why do we all want to kill emma stone? this is why:

no. it's not that she gets to play leading lady opposite the very meme-able ryan gosling in not ONE, but TWO movies of late. as you know, i ryan. but i'm not a fangirl. i just like the meme.

i know what you're thinking, "well, rachel, it seems awfully odd that you think all women would want to either be or kill emma stone over that photo if it's not for the gosling." i know, it's confusing.

and i guess it's not really emma we all hate or want to be. it's the character she plays. however, she gets to make some of these less than flattering on-screen faces and still have people think she's cute:

i KNOW, right?!?! i make those faces and i'm untagging myself so fast.

seriously, though. look at this:

you caught me. i made that. but i think it sums up their storyline quite well.

he's all "hi." she's all "no."

then she's all "yes." and he's all "YES."

then she's all "i don't know." and he's all, "anything you want."

and then she's all "yes." and he's all "pg-13."

and so it goes. until she's snagged the "hot guy from the bar" in her confusing red-headed trap. and he's calling her "a game-changer" to his best guy friend, while saying shit like this to her:

that. that right there is why women would love to be emma stone. or would love to kill emma stone. she tamed the bad boy. caught the uncatchable catfish-tale. snapped a pic of sasquatch. proved the existence of nessie, the loch ness monster. in fact, she went for a ride on nessie's back. with a really big aquatic saddle.

by definition, the bad boy is unattainable. in fact, he's less attractive when he's not the bad boy. just look at gosling. he had "photoshopped" abs as the bad boy. next thing you know, he's admitting to having a coin bear for every state quarter. i don't know what a coin bear is. but it doesn't sound bad-boy.

so, yeah, emma stone. watch out. it's you and your kind that makes bad boys unattractive. we blame you.

i leave you all with this:

why? because i can. :{D

so yeah. this was more fun than ideating on that high-impact print i'm supposed to be doing.

of course, i also used paying my bills to procrastinate. and doing an impossible image search. and started by state tax return(s).

so the bar was set pretty low. and luckily it's lunch time. so i can procrastinate on that print ideation a little longer. score.

so. remember the saga of the two guys looking for wedding dates on craigslist? well, my friends andrea and alexa posted a response to craigslist: two women need two men needing wedding dates - w4m - 236 (nyc - saratoga). i thought that was pretty cute. but if you clicked on the link you'll see that craigslist removed it.

if they can figure out why, they'll repost. any ideas? is it the pot leaves? the mentions of being craigslist killers? or the cussing? take a look:

these are the photos:

seriously, let them know what you think it is: 2girlsonedate@gmail.com

you never know, your suggestion could get them some chicken cordon bleu and watered-down open bar drinks!

:{ schnoogins.

so, yeah, i've been gone for a bit. see, what had happened was: i have a job. i'm a responsible adult with a j.o.b. when in the hell did that happen? i mean, i've been in the work force for a long time now. and i've been out of my twenties for more years than i care to admit.

but sometimes i still feel like i'm sitting around waiting for life to start. but, i guess it's what's happening around me while i wait. i have a career, i'm in an adult relationship, i've kept 2 cats alive for 15 and 12 years, i pay rent and bills, hell i even have a 401k and i've done my taxes already.  isn't that life?

on the inside, though, i still feel 17 — and some days i still feel 12. there are 24 year olds who feel older than i do. i remember being 17, though. and i'd have argued tooth and nail with you back then that i was, in fact, an adult. but here i am, twice that age, saying i feel unsettled, unsure and just unadult.

(yeah, i made up a word, deal with it.)

to be specific
:though i've grown into my height, i feel gawky and clumsy.
:i get cocky, thinking i have the right answer and fall into people's insidious traps.
:i don't speak up for myself enough, even though i've got 10 million people giving me the advice and tactics i need to do it.
:i cry at stupid shit. and i'm not just talking about this commercial. i cry when i have to stand up for myself, when people pay me a compliment, or when i have to have the dreaded yearly review.
:i get frustrated and i snap. and i often am too stubborn to apologize. or admit i was wrong.
:i'm a gossip, i know i've shared things with people i shouldn't have. things that could maybe hurt feelings.
:i facebook stalk. and linkedin stalk. and google stalk. who? all of you. everyone i meet. some people i haven't. if you wanna play a fun game, name drop around me and then see how much i know about that person the next time you see me.
:i pollyanna all the time, thinking everything will turn out rosey even though there are storm clouds on the horizon.
:i say things for shock value. (and yet nothing i ever say is really that shocking) just to be the one to get a laugh. i wasn't the class clown. but i'm for sure the meeting clown.
:i procrastinate. in fact, i'm probably procrastinating right now.

there's part of me that thinks that my inner-age helps me in the industry i'm in. it's a young man's game. the young men who know what all the hip, young cool kids do. where they hang out. the shit they say. but then i remember that i have no idea what they do, where they go or what the hell they're talking about. i couldn't even make it past two episodes of "girls" and thought every single episode of "newsroom" was excellent. who AM i?

it could be that i'm unfinished. it could be that i never will be. it could be that i didn't have the dawson's creek, 90210, or saved by the bell high school experience. not even my so called life.

but, you know what? whatevs. if i still feel 17 when i'm 68 — maybe i've been doing something right. and then i'll be glad.

plus, this young/old dog is still teaching new tricks.

this pic would have made my top 12 of 12 list had i had the time to make it.

i taught alexa cohen and lindsay coomes how to smoke cigars at hudson bar and books.

imahaveto go back there soon ;{D

i just got my first julibox in the mail. sadly, it's collection #2. i missed out on collection #1. but i think i'm still one of the first kids on this drinking train.

why do i think that? a couple reasons. first? i had to wait months for my birchbox subscription/membership, but juli accepted me right away. second? i don't think they're 100% buttoned up yet. (they're still figuring out their store situation, and there was a slight problem with one of their mixipes.)

i have no fear that they'll get there. or that others won't follow my tipsy lead and get their own subscription/membership. and in the meantime, i can enjoy my hand-selected drinking adventures regardless.

see, juli curates monthly cocktail deliveries. you get all the spirits and mixers you need to make 4 drinks (2 of each mixipe included). plus, if you need anything else like fresh herbs or fruit, you get an email reminder to grab them before your box arrives. so you can enjoy as soon as the box hits your doorstep (or in my case, the ups at 325 houston where i have to pick mine up).

so, this new addition to one-off blogging reviews the contents of my box. (again, minds OUT of the gutter.)

first, i had the bramble 75.

now, as you know, i don't like gin. but i liked this fine. it reminds me of a cocktail i've had at single brothers. no, not the infamous and beloved "old girl." the champagne and st germain one that's called a french-something-or-other. 

which is interesting, because the bramble 75 is based on the french 75.

it's also supposed to be pink in  honor of breast cancer month. i'm all for honoring breast cancer. but does that >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
look pink to you? kinda purple, if you ask me. so, perfect for pancreatic cancer month.

this recipe is the one where juli kinda fucked up. i got an email to get lemons, blackberries and cinnamon sticks for this box. and this recipe called for the juice of half a lemon, but never told me what to do with it. so, as i do, i winged it.

you'll need:
3/4 oz* hendrick's gin (included)
3/4 oz* chambored black raspberry liqueur (included)
1/2 bottle** mionetto prosecco (included)
the juice of half a lemon
a lemon twist
blackberries (optional)
ice
shaker
wine or champagne glass (i chose to use a czech crystal tumbler because i never have reason to pull them out)

*3/4 oz is like half an airplane bottle.
**you have eyeballs. eyeball it.

so, juli said to pour all spirits into the shaker over ice and shake. strain it into a wine glass over fresh ice. top with prosecco. garnish with lemon twist and optional blackberries. juli also noted that you could serve it in a champagne glass sans ice.

what i actually did was shake the gin and chambored with the lemon juice and poured over ice. then i poured in half the bottle of prosecco. i was kinda hesitant to shake a bubbly — just saying, juli.

i liked it. both glasses of it. despite my gin-dislike. it even came with a cute toast: "may all your joys be pure joys, and all your pain champagne."

there's also supposed to be a video online of how to make each collection. collection #2 must be coming soon, as i've only seen collection #1. the video might clear up what to do with the lemon juice. hell, the lemon juice could have been a typo and i didn't need it at all. 

next? the autumn sling.

i liked this one better. probably mainly for it's lack of gin. or because it was second and my cheeks were already a little pink. or because i really enjoyed playing with the cinnamon stick — ALSO probably because my cheeks were already a little pink. (i even googled how to harvest cinnamon. cinnamon is a tree. i don't think i ever really thought about that.)

this one: also not pink. but it was seasonally right on. added bonus: as a "sling" it could be served hot OR cold. juli seemed to suggest cold. but i bet it would be pretty good hot. and a hot bevvie would be so clutch in this fledgling cold weather.

the toast: "may your house always be too small to hold all of your friends." (not hard in my new yourk.)

you'll need:
3/4 oz basil hayden's 8 year old bourbon (included)
3/4 oz domain de canton ginger liqueur (included)
1 oz martinelli apple juice (included)
the juice of half a lemon (this time i was told what to do with it)
lemon peel
cinnamon stick (optional)
ice
shaker
rocks glass

so yeah, you dump the spirits and juices in a shaker over ice, shake, and strain into a rocks glass over fresh ice. garnish with lemon peel and optional cinnamon stick.

*as always, all shitty photos taken with my iphone. and drink your box with responsibility, people. 

we're going a little loosey-goosey with this episode. because i did some weekend cooking, some weekend experimenting, and some weekend day-drinking. and it's wednesday. 

so, i have no fun pic of a bottle of wine to start with. i don't have finished pics of one dish. there's even going to be a whole second installment of one-off food blog to chronicle all of the things i did with food over the weekend. (and if you have a gross mind, get it out of my gutter.)

we're going to start with where i started: jalapeño deviled eggs and cilantro-lime chicken salad, both from my pinterest board, "shit i'm making TONIGHT" and soon to be seen on "i did it."

which one will i make again? both. which one first? the eggs. because i'd do things differently a second time around.

first thing i'm gonna do is teach you how to boil an egg. yes, i know you THINK you know how to boil an egg. 

but, to be fair, i have an ex who didn't know how to boil water. he filled the pot to the brim and put it on a burner set to high. most of us know how THAT turned out. 

no, i'm going to teach you how to boil and egg without that strange green ring around your yoke. while i dislike the green ring because i think it makes for a dry yoke, it's also not aesthetically pleasing. and you see a lot of yoke in deviled eggs. so aesthetics are important.

get yourself a medium-sized pot with a lid. gently put 6 (or however many, it's 6 for this recipe) eggs into your pot and cover with water about an inch higher than the eggs.

why do we put the eggs in first and not the water? because people seem to acquire an irrational fear of water when dropping things into it and never let their fingertips get wet. so you tend to drop them in and crack your eggs when they hit the bottom of the pot.

why do we not bring the water to a boil before dropping in the eggs in? because the fear of water is rational at this point — as it's BOILING — and you're even more likely to crack your eggs.

put your pot on a burner at medium-high heat and bring to a boil. not a full-on rolling boil, but a baby boil. once you hit boil, put the lid on, turn off the burner and remove from heat. let it sit for 20 minutes. then run your eggs under cold water.

gently tap them all over on a flat surface and remove the shell. cut open. no green rings. perfect.

jalapeño deviled eggs

you'll need:
6 large boiled eggs, cooled and peeled
1 jalapeño, deseeded and minced
3 tbsp mayo (i'd actually do less, see my notes at the end)
2 tsp chopped cilantro
1 tsp dijon mustard
1 teaspoon citrus champagne vinegar
the juice of a quarter of a lime
pinch cayenne pepper
pinch paprika
salt and pepper to taste
a plastic baggie

you'll notice i already switched out the vinegar and added paprika. the paprika was an accident, i grabbed the wrong jar. and the vinegar was what i had on hand and it worked.

but the addition of the lime juice was very purposeful. i just feel like if you're going to have cilantro and jalapeño, you gotta have lime juice. 

what you'll do:
cut your eggs in half lengthwise and remove the yokes with a spoon. mash the yokes in a bowl. like really well. 

add everything else to the bowl and mix. 

i put it all in a plastic baggie and kneaded it a little. then i cut off the corner of the baggie and used it to pipe the whole mess into my little egg boats.

i call them boats because the "deviled" was too runny. it formed lakes into my little boats and sunk them. the whole plate was deviled. (which was fine, as i have no shame in licking  palate. it's just not presentable. and deviled eggs are normally a presentation-type thing.)

what would i do differently? more yokes. less mayo. refrigerated the deviled baggie for an hour or two before piping into the boats.

and i AM going to try again, soon. they were totes good. i might even make me some paelo-mayo and try it like that.

what you're supposed to do is pipe it into the egg boats and refrigerate for an hour or more before serving. but i'm liking my refrigerate in baggie idea to let the deviled set a little. 

so, now i have an assload of cilantro. and another jalapeño. and lime. i should make cilantro-lime chicken salad.

you'll need:
3 large boneless, skinless chicken breasts (if i were to do this again i'd do 2 large breasts and 2 thighs. i'll explain later)
chicken stock (recipe found here, subtract the lemon. or you can use what you have frozen or even store-bought.)
1 jalapeño, deseeded and minced
4 tbs chopped cilantro
the juice of one lime
one finely-diced red onion
1/3 cup mayo
1 tbs dijon mustard
1tsp cumin
salt and pepper to taste

how to poach chicken
in a medium-large pot, immerse the chicken in chicken stock.

bring it to a boil over medium-high heat. once it starts boiling, reduce the heat to a simmer and partially cover for 10 minutes. 

remove from the heat and let the chicken hang out in the stock for about 15 minutes.

after that, the rest of the recipe is pretty simple.

what you'll do:
use two forks pulling in opposite directions to shred your chicken.

put it into a large bowl with the rest of the ingredients (well, minus the chicken stock, obvi. the chicken stock you re/freeze for later.). stir it all around.

let it cool in the fridge for several hours before serving.

now, while this recipe was so good it actually inspired me to make a sammy (and we all know my crazy aversion to all things bread.), it IS a little dry.

when i made my sammy i put mayo on the bread, even though most normal people wouldn't on a salad sandwich. and the tomatoes helped.

but it wasn't really a "needs-more-mayo" kind of dry, it was an "i-used-all-white-meat" kind of dry. next time i'll use some thighs, as noted earlier.

i have my first request. black chimichurri steak. i'll look into that and maybe this weekend try it out. if not, for sure next week.

follow my board, and remember: ALWAYS drink responsibly when you cook, you could lose a finger.

*all shitty photos taken with my iphone

this is where rachelwriteson "started." as an idea:

and i actually started using an acne face wash. i took one photo, the "before." then i never really followed through. that should have signaled doom for my one-off blog idea. i have no follow through. but here i am writing a one-off blog entry, and here you are reading a one-off blog entry.

you'll never see the "i ordered an acne wash that takes 3 weeks and here's my 'before' photo" photo-a-day blog. mainly because i have no idea what i did with that photo, but also because the entry would just be a pic of me with acne. 

you've seen plenty of "my boyfriend is a caveman and i cooked paleo once" food blogs. and i owe you some "shit i'm making TONIGHT" entries, because i've been cooking up a storm. but, i thought i'd address the "i had crazy sex adventures that one time" sex blog.

hence the mom-shutting-her-eyes part. except that, really, i'm gonna be pretty pg about this. 

so this one night, i was out with friends. one was a fellow copywriter. a DUDE writer. and we got to talking about "50 shades of gray," which neither of us has actually read, and decided we could do better. you know, a danielle-steele-esque sexcapade novel that both girls AND guys would want to read.

then we drank more and it turned into something else all together. see, both of us are in successful adult relationships. but there are still times when i'm like, "what in the hell does THAT mean?" or he's like, "what's the right answer in 'does this make me look fat?' situations?". 

so, we decided to write something else entirely. kind of a handbook for the opposite sex. or, at least that's how i remember it. there was wine. and a lot of it. 

the next day, he sent me some topics: foreplay, hooking up on first date, meeting the fam, what you look for in the opposite sex, signals, marriage, and cheating. i sent back more topics: porn, the morning after, pregnancy scare, sharing 'numbers', "we were on a break," one night stand, "i kissed a girl," work wives, the second kiss is actually the important kiss, the proper answer to "does this make me look fat?" is always sex, girls share everything with their friends (including that picture of your penis you sent to her phone), who has to sleep in the wet spot, and to snuggle or not to snuggle. (don't worry mom, i'm not an expert on all those topics. but i know enough people who are to do the research.)

and that's where it ended. except that i soft-lobbed the idea to a couple friends — a "would you read this?" sort of thing. and they got excited at the idea. i never told the dude. so, question for you: would you read it? 

what if it were one of those books that on one side is for "her" called "Walking on Mars" written by a dude and on the other is for "him" called "Vacationing on Venus" written by a girl like me? and they cover off on the same topics chapter-by-chapter. 

all under pseudonyms, of course. for honesty and privacy's sake. and now that the idea is out there on the interwebbings, really, it could be ANYONE writing it. even the mustachioed man :{0 

for episode 2 of "shit i'm making TONIGHT," i really changed up the recipes i tried. like a lot. i'm almost reluctant to tell you where i started. but for the sake of the structure of these one-off blogs, i will: pork chops and squash. sounds simplistic, right? not once i was done with it, but oh-so-good.

let's start with the wine, as i always do. what you need to note here is that i'm not a sommelier, and i'm not trying to be. i'm not truly pairing wines with meals. i'm having a glass or two of a bottle i think i'll like while i cook.

this time it's a cab sauv out of oregon. eh, it's ok. their sauv blanc is way better. and much more reasonably priced. and usually, i would have chosen a heartier, chardonnay-type, white to go with pork. but with the pungent flavor of blue cheese (which i didn't even use), i thought a red would work.

then i changed up the recipe a ton and the wine was anyone's guess. i should prolly just get to the recipes.

i'll call them 'savory stuffed chops' and 'squashed pot bake.' (it will all make sense later.)

i'm going to take you through the two recipes together, because you have to use the oven for both so it effects temperature and cook time. but you can separate them. remind me, and i'll tell you how at the end. (funny, it's that sentence that will remind me. you don't actually have to do anything.)

savory stuffed chops and squashed pot bake

you'll need:
(for the chops)
two large boneless pork loin chops
4 oz fontina val d'aosta
3 slices prosciutto 
2 tbsp chopped fresh chives
salt and pepper to taste
toothpicks

(for the squashed pot)
1 medium butternut squash
1 large sweet potato
1 bulb roasted garlic (mashed into a paste)
drizzle of olive oil
aluminum foil
1 tsp ground nutmeg
1 stick butter (browned)
salt and pepper to taste

first things first, we roast the garlic.

why did i roast a whole bulb into paste when the recipe called for just 3 lightly-roasted minced cloves? i wanted to bring out the nutty flavor of roasted garlic. and adding the nutmeg helped soothe the pungent-nature of the garlic.

spread evenly on a large cookie sheet and bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes. reduce the heat to 325, put the chops in the oven and remove both after 20-30 minutes, depending on the thickness of your chops. but, i'm getting ahead of myself.

during the first 20 minutes of the squash pot baking, prepare your chops. 

grease a small pan.

chop your cheese into tiny cubes, about 1/8 inch by 1/8 inch. chop your prosciutto the same way. mix them together in a bowl with your chopped fresh chives.

divide into halves and roll into 2 loose balls.

with a sharp knife cut a "pocket" into your chops, much the same way you'd butterfly them, only leaving three sides intact.

push one ball into each pocket and flatten your chops. close the pocket with toothpicks.

place them in your greased pan and salt and pepper the top.

bake for 20-30 minutes at 325 degrees with your squash pot bake.

the flavors of the fontina are woodsy, nutty and mushroomy. the prosciutto is salty. the chives are savory. making the sweet pork more flavorful. 

the squash pot only serves to accentuate that nutty woodsiness. try amuche-bouching them together for the one perfect bite.

plus, the sweet potato will be softer than the squash. it's a nice contrast in one dish.

if you're going to make them separately, cook the chops in a preheated oven at 325 degrees for about 20 minutes and the squash pot at 375 degrees for 30 to 45 minutes.

don't forget to follow my pinterest board, and stay tuned for the next episode of shit i'm making TONIGHT.

*once again, all shitty photos taken with my iphone. 

so, how does it work? i pin the shit i'm making TONIGHT and then i make it. maybe according to directions, maybe not. i'm that kind of cook. then the next day i update my pin description as to how it went, what i did differently and (most importantly) how it tastes.

then i blog the recipes, always naming my source, of course.

last night in my counterless small-space nyc kitchen? lemon-parsely beef brisket from marksdailyapple and creamy lemon-chive zucchini noodles from martha stewart. i really wanted matching flavor profiles for my main and side. and i don't know if i can express how well these flavors went together. the two were a little soupy on the plate and they just melded beautifully together in this wonderfully yummy happy accident. it could be the wine drunk during the 3 hour cooking time talking, but i was in heaven.

somehow without any butter in the dishes at all, there was this overall butteriness to my plate. it's like the acidity of the lemons reacted with the meat and the cream to break down their flavors and bring out their inner-butter. 

plus. if you're in the dairy phase of your diet, the whole thing is totally paleo. 

what kind of wine goes with this meal, do you ask? well, not having made these recipes before, i was kind of winging it. so i went with an old standby: cab sauv.

now, knowing what i know, i'd go more peppery. i think a zinfandel could really complement the lemon-buttery flavor i experienced. or, if there were such thing as a peppery white wine ... maybe a gruner veltliner?

the meal is really rich. you don't want a "meaty" wine to distract you from the flavors. and the absence of root vegetables make the beef taste differently from there other things you've shoved in the oven for hours on end.

it was a nice surprise.

did i do anything differently than the recipe called for? not really. i added pepper to both. 

but my first instinct was to sauté the zucchini noodles in their dressing and some butter. i'm really glad i didn't, so i could experience them as intended. i was a little skeptical. but they were SO good as is. maybe i'll try cooking them tonight when i try my leftovers.

ok, enough preamble. let's do this.

lemon-parsley brisket

you'll need:
a 3 lb brisket
6 cloves garlic
2-4 pinches sea salt
freshly ground black pepper
the zest of a lemon
olive oil
the juice of 3 lemons
3 cups water
3 large leeks
a handful finely chopped parsley
an oven friendly pan with lid (or aluminum foil)

what you'll do:
bring your brisket to room temperature — yes, this step is important. and preheat your oven to 325 degrees.

while you do that wash your leeks and cut off the dark green parts. slice them down the middle, i actually quartered mine, and slice thinly. set aside. 

it's time to juice and zest your lemons. a couple tips:

next, finely chop your garlic cloves. what you want to do is make a paste out of the garlic. i'm assuming you could use a food processor to do this. but, there's no room for a food processor in my new yourk kitchen. so i followed the advice of the recipe.

i sprinkled the garlic with a large pinch of sea salt. (luckily, i was working on the section of my cutting board that i'd used to slice and zest my lemons. so the paste got all juicy and nice.) then you "crush" the garlic with the flat of your knife. really grind it down, using both hands. i chopped a little as i went. it really did end up as a paste. (please be careful.)

once you have your paste, mix it with the lemon zest, another large pinch of sea salt and some pepper. (i used a lot of pepper.) and rub about half of it all over your meat.

wash your hands and heat some olive oil, about 5 good splashes, in your oven safe pan over medium-high heat. how do you know if your pan is oven safe? i found a handy video.

luckily, my lid had a sticker on it that declared it not oven safe. so, the pan did fine with aluminum foil on top. i'd kinda assume your glass lid isn't oven safe unless it specifically says. there ARE some made out of pyrex that are oven safe.

anyway, sear your brisket on either side and remove the meat.

add your lemon juice and water to the pot and bring it to a boil. if there's any meat or garlic-zest stuck to the bottom, unstick it.

rub the rest of your garlic zest on your meat and put it back in the pan and place the leeks around it — not on top, cover with aluminum foil and throw it in the oven.

i did 2 hours and 45 minutes, then threw my parsley in and cooked for 15 more minutes, uncovered.

it worked out really well if i DO say so myself. i added salt and pepper and hunkered down to eat.

this was amazing. but i hear it will be even better tonight. we shall see.

halfway through cooking, i was dying of hunger. so i have a plate of the cold zucchini. and that's what made me decide not to cook it, it was THAT good.

creamy lemon-chive zucchini "noodles"

what you'll need:
the juice of one lemon
sea salt
1 cup light cream
a handful minced chives
2 medium zucchini
a veggie peeler
a small jar or lidded container

what you'll do:
first, you make the dressing. i hate recipes that tell you you'll need 1/4 cup creamy-lemon-chive-dressing and then send you off to another place to find that. so, we're going to start there here.

in your lidded container, combine the lemon juice and a large pinch of sea salt. shake it like a polaroid picture, or until the salt is dissolved.

add the cream and chives and shake again. in fact, shake it every time you use it. season it with salt. it'll last in your fridge up to a week. (but you'll want to eat it all up before then, i guarantee you.)

martha's recipe called for a julienne blade on a mandoline. fuck you, martha. not all of us have the kitchen storage of a media mogul. she even called for fleur de sel. fuck you someplace fairly uncomfortable, martha. regular sea salt did me fine.

so i peeled the zucchini and cut off the ends. then i used the exact same peeler to peel off ribbons. stop when you hit seeds. do this all around the zucchini and then throw the seedy middle away. who wants a seedy middle?

you're supposed to put it in a colander over a mixing bowl and sprinkle with salt. letting it sit for 15 minutes. then you're supposed to gently squeeze the zucchini to extract excess water. damn wine, i forgot.

so i just threw some on a plate, dressed it and ate it. i didn't notice it being excessively watery. so, again, take that martha.

you know what else wasn't very watery? 

sassy detox water (found here)

you'll need:
a lemon, sliced
a peeled cucumber, sliced
a tsp grated fresh ginger
about 10 fresh mint leaves
a quart and a half of water
a 2 quart pitcher

what you'll do:
throw it all in the pitcher and let it sit overnight. 

it's supposed to taste great, even as a substitute for soda or coffee. it's supposed to give you energy. it's supposed to make you feel great. it's supposed to jumpstart your metabolism. it's supposed to help you lose weight. 

i had to MAKE myself drink it this morning. it was so gross. it's no soda or coffee, trust me. i don't have any more energy. i don't feel any better — or worse, to be fair. my metabolism seems to be metabolizing at a regular rate. and i haven't miraculously shed any pounds.

in fact, i kind of feel like a slugged down a laxative with a fiber-spiked cup of decaf coffee. in short, gross.

i guess that just proves that not all things you see on pinterest are worth pinning. which is exactly why you should follow my board. 

what am i having tonight, you wonder? probably leftovers. i've been thinking about them all day. i might have to try a different wine, though. oh, and i have no microwave. so i'll have to get all old-skool on the reheat. 

i'll let you know if the brisket is truly better the next day.

what do you want me to try next? i have a "things are getting paleo up in here" board and a "great, now i'm hungry" board to choose from. because i'm not paleo. i just date one. or, suggest a pin you've always wanted to try. i pretty much eat anything. except babies, so no lamb or veal.

happy pinning!

*all shitty photos taken with my about to be replaced iphone 3GS.

but somehow, i'm gonna make lemon-parsely brisket tonight with creamy zucchini noodles on the side. and a refreshingly light detox drink. 

get ready for a funny post tomorrow, and pin my new pinterest board: "shit i'm making TONIGHT." and we'll see how long i can keep this one-off topic up ...