i was going to do a one-off celebrity blog post on why every woman hates emma stone. then i realized that's not fair. so i'm amending my idea. it's now why every woman either wants to BE emma stone or wants to kill her. yeah, i know. i went from hate to kill. seems harsher, right? only if you're emma stone. which none of us are. or, it'll seem harsh if emma stone DOES, in fact, wind up murdered and the FEDs read this post. well, FEDs. i have an alibi — even though you haven't told me yet when she was killed. (if you've ever seen an episode of castle, bones, law and order, svu, csi, or any other crimady (crime-drama-comedy) you'll get it. the bad guy ALWAYS has an alibi if he's caught early in the episode. even if beckett, booth, or whoever hasn't even told them when they need one for.)

ANYhoo. why do we all want to kill emma stone? this is why:

no. it's not that she gets to play leading lady opposite the very meme-able ryan gosling in not ONE, but TWO movies of late. as you know, i ryan. but i'm not a fangirl. i just like the meme.

i know what you're thinking, "well, rachel, it seems awfully odd that you think all women would want to either be or kill emma stone over that photo if it's not for the gosling." i know, it's confusing.

and i guess it's not really emma we all hate or want to be. it's the character she plays. however, she gets to make some of these less than flattering on-screen faces and still have people think she's cute:

i KNOW, right?!?! i make those faces and i'm untagging myself so fast.

seriously, though. look at this:

you caught me. i made that. but i think it sums up their storyline quite well.

he's all "hi." she's all "no."

then she's all "yes." and he's all "YES."

then she's all "i don't know." and he's all, "anything you want."

and then she's all "yes." and he's all "pg-13."

and so it goes. until she's snagged the "hot guy from the bar" in her confusing red-headed trap. and he's calling her "a game-changer" to his best guy friend, while saying shit like this to her:

that. that right there is why women would love to be emma stone. or would love to kill emma stone. she tamed the bad boy. caught the uncatchable catfish-tale. snapped a pic of sasquatch. proved the existence of nessie, the loch ness monster. in fact, she went for a ride on nessie's back. with a really big aquatic saddle.

by definition, the bad boy is unattainable. in fact, he's less attractive when he's not the bad boy. just look at gosling. he had "photoshopped" abs as the bad boy. next thing you know, he's admitting to having a coin bear for every state quarter. i don't know what a coin bear is. but it doesn't sound bad-boy.

so, yeah, emma stone. watch out. it's you and your kind that makes bad boys unattractive. we blame you.

i leave you all with this:

why? because i can. :{D

i think i might have overused the #fuckyousandy hashtag. but it was warranted, i think.

because in one week, i went from this:

:to living less than a block from this ...

 ... to day after day of this:

and finally? this:

i promise i'm going to tell you all about it. but right now i'm trying to find a grocery store that has everything i need to finally make that black steak chimichurri that's been requested on "shit i'm making TONIGHT." i already pinned the recipes. and i already know how i'm going to alter them. i just have to find the ingredients. fresh direct can get them to me by wednesday and d'agastino's shelves are pretty bare. ballalalalalas.

thanks to all of you who emailed, facebooked, called, texted and checked in. also, special thanks to jwt for letting me charge up there.

:{D happy movember, btw. i TOLD you you'd thank me for the mustachioed man!

i HAVE to tell you more about my adventures in apartment hunting. first of all, i saw two very promising places yesterday and have more lined up with the same people today. you don't have to worry about me at all, monday was a fluke.

BUT, i DO have more funness to share. let me tell you all about it ...

i called "will" at like 8:45 in the morning, and it sounded like I woke him up. it also sounded like he could have possibly been in the company of one infamous mary jane. (no judgement.) i asked for a 5:45 showing and he offered 6. but he was weird. i read him the title of the Craigslist posting and all he said was, "price?" like that's how he identifies his properties. he said it was still available, but that I had to meet him at his office.

so i decided to bring a friend. it just seemed too sketch. HE seemed too sketch.

we get there (119 w 23rd at 6th ave, suite 300) and it's this room full of people on computers, on phones, milling around. they sit us down with this guy steve and he gets my basic info like location, pricepoint and number of bedrooms. he acts all excited about the possibilities that he's pulling up on his computer but not showing us, then he hands us off to will.

i'm still trying to figure out if that's the guy's real name.

will takes us on a magic tour around the city looking at shithole after shithole. will is tall. like lurch tall. like uncomfortably tall. and he walks fast. and doesn't talk. i kept trying to bring him out of his shell, and he just wasn't having it. once he even dared a "donotcrosswalk" and lost us. he'd made it all the way to the next block before he figured out we weren't with him.

i asked him if he'd ever lost anyone before. he said, "everyday." WOW.

so, the first place he showed us was in a basement. with graffiti on the windows. it had terra-cotta  outdoor tiles on the floor and access to a "garden space" that was really a dumping ground for broken furniture. um, no.

the next place was nice. first floor. pretty spacious. lived in by a SLOB. the bathroom was nice, but gross. i thought things were looking up. until I realized that there was no stove. no oven. no cooking apparatus at all.

that's when I asked Will how many were left on the list. there were four more. i asked him how many of them he'd seen. he pointed to the one we'd just been in and the one we were standing in. he said that most people don't come in with my budget. he said most people were looking to spend $1200 to $2000.

i asked him what the apartments he usually showed were like. he just laughed. creepy.

the next two places were identical. once we found them. will got a little turned around and we did some backtracking. the largest thing about them were the kitchens. the kitchens were SWANK. the bathrooms were nice. everything was new and fresh. but the livingrooms were hallways and the bedrooms were closets. literally.

there was plenty of room in the kitchens, but there were doors (to the outside, closets, the bathroom) everywhere, so you couldn't put furniture in them. crazy. i even laid down in the floor of the bedroom, and with my feet touching the wall, i couldn't extend my hands over my head all the way. and that was length-wise. double crazy.

oh, and one of them had a lovely view of a cemetery. with a fresh grave.

the next two places had already rented earlier in the day, and by that time I was cranky and hungry, so we parted with will. when we did, he shook my hand and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at me. AWESOME.

so, that was an adventure. and i'm glad i took a friend.

oh, and the listing i blogged? never saw it. i don't think it exists.

~*@LOOK HERE@*GIGANTIC*1BR*24HRdm/ELE/LAN LUX BLDG*SUBWAY*ASAP OR 9/1

~*THE HEART OF CHELSEA*~

AVAILABLE FOR IMMEDIATE OR 9/1 MOVE-IN

GLEAMING HARDWOOD FLOORS,IMPOSSIBLY HIGH CEILINGS,BRAND NEW STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES, 1 BLOCK FROM MULTIPLE SUBWAYS, THE PERFECT LOCATION!!!

SCHEDULE A PRIVATE VIEWING NOW


CALL / TEXT

WILL: 212-470-4816or EMAIL: WillK1groupNYC@gmail.com

DOORWAY/FOYER




THESE PICS ARE 100% ACCURATE AS I TOOK THEM MYSELF!! COME SEE FOR YOURSELF!!

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CALL / TEXT

WILL: 212-470-4816or EMAIL: WillK1groupNYC@gmail.com


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• cats are OK - purrr
• dogs are OK - wooof
• Location: CHELSEA
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Fee Disclosure: Broker Fee Apartment
• Listed By: Best Apts NYC

PostingID: 3218479455

you know what's freaking unsettling? when you're in line in a public place, like a coffee shop or the DMV, and a perfect stranger looks right at you and asks a question. it doesn't matter what it is — "are you fucking kidding me?" "how are the kids?" "was it dog shit?" — you're taken aback. you fluster around for an answer and finally say "yeah." or "me?"

then they point to their ear and mouth, "phone." or, they roll their eyes and turn away and you notice the tiny device in their ear with a wire snaking into their collar and figure they're secret service. or, they're crazy. like batshit crazy. and now you're involved in a conversation with a person who's crazy.

hmm, i'd rather that than an asshole on the phone. i mean, don't make eye contact with me, asshole. this is the real world. that shit could get you killed in some places ...